At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn,
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more
seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning
light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going
off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the
radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even
though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to
delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would
become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
"Only in America":
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating
rink.
...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a
diet coke.
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures".
Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are
prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just
like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and
your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz in Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just
like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly
not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,
If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes,
dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions,
usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don't you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
M: Okay, I'd get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
Would like to learn about American Culture? This joke is symptomatic...
The Office Christmas Party...
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light
the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but,
don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous
anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the
union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will
be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus!
Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation
to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit
whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death,"
as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided
to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
And here's one more that says a lot about the U.S. of A.:
Joke # 1: The World's Strongest Man.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)
but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,
"what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh
and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy
next to him has a black eye.
He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if ask how you got yours?
Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge,
huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,
I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.
First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too.
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:
"Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties."
But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you piece of crap!"
A Redneck Phenomenon...
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them,
"How many folk here believe in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor,
"For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor,
"has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said `goats.'
The Great Escape...
During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany
and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad,
so he the German doctor amputated his arm.
He requests that they drop his arm over his base in England.
So the Germans did.
The next week they amputate his other arm and he asks the same thing.
The Germans comply.
The next week they amputate one of his legs, and he again
asked for them to drop it over his base in England.
The German doctor replied, "Nein, Ve do dis no more!"
The pilot asked why not, and the German answered...
"Ve tink you trying to escape!"
Generally speaking...
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to
attention,
made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said
"Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree
with the General, so the he saluted again and replied - "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that
I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes
Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus,
drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so
much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
Here's Little Johnny!...
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports,
the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class,
and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something
exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!"
Fellow 1: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year
that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only
that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was
right about that too."
Fellow 2: "Wow, that's incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1: "A judge told him."
----
Dental Work
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he
suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair
of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have
one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the
dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the
man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your
office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
State Slogans
Check out your State - remember - this is all in fun.
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It
Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto. Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The
Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't
Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and ______ (fill in the blank)
---
"Inflation is creeping up," a young man said to his friend,
"Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a restaurant and told them
to put it on my American Express card ... and it fit."
---
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called
into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of
this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you
told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is
the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said
you wanted somebody with imagination."
-------
A government employee sits in his office and, out of boredom,
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes
through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This
will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home
with him.
While he's polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants
him three wishes.
"I wish for a ice cold beer right now!"
He gets his beer and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish, "I
wish to be on an island where only beautiful women reside."
Suddenly he is on an island, with gorgeous females eyeing him
lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and final wish - "I wish I'd
never have to work ever again."
And, POOF! he's back in his government office.
----
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and
all of the evil people are destroyed, but I want to save a few
good people and two of every kind of living thing on the planet.
I am ordering you to build me an ark." And in a flash of light-
ning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "Okay," Noah
said, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months later it starts to rain. Thundered the Lord, "You
had better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a very
long time." And six months passed. The skies begin to cloud up.
Rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in the
front yard weeping. And there was no ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed to the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me,"
begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First,
I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction pro-
ject, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an en-
gineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building the ark in my front yard. So I had to get a variance
from the City Planning Commission. Then I had a big problem
getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on
cutting trees because of the spotted owl. I had to convince
the Fish and Wildlife Agency that I needed the wood to save
the owl, but they would not let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone could pick up a saw or hammer. Now I have
16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owl. Then I started
gathering up animals and got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I
got the lawsuit dismissed, EPA notified me that I could not
complete the ark without filing an environmental impact state-
ment on the proposed flood. They did not take kindly to the
idea that you had jurisdiction over your conduct and you were
the Supreme Being.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed
new floodplain. Right now I am still trying to resolve a com-
plaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over
how many Croatians I am supposed to hire, and the IRS has seized
all of my assets, claiming I am trying to avoid paying taxes by
leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state
about owing some kind of use tax. I really do not think I can
finish your ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
Then the skies began to clear. The sun began to shine. The
rainbow arched across the sky and Noah looked up with a smile.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth?" Noah asked
hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
---
On Men and Women
Men & Women Compared Nicknames
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Scrappy.
Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Cats
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Natural
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have
married me if my father had not left me a fortune?"
"Darling," the women replied sweetly, "I would have
married you no matter who left you a fortune."
Kill the Messenger
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his
favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman
died a short time later. The king was outraged at the
astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the
woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:
"Tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill
him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not
know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know
that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
------
Scientists recently announced they will use lawyers instead
of mice for their experiments for two reasons:
1) The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.
2) There are some things that even mice won't do.
------
Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a
street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha
got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
My Gold Fish Died
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your *&^%$ cat!"
Big John
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the
next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built
like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the
driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he
wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got
on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next
day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus
driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking
advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building
courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the
summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good
about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has bus
pass."
The Five Levels of Drinking
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.
Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends buys another round. One of your
*unemployed* friends.
Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf.
You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder.
And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway?
These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep...I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf.
And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"
At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just
because you like his face.
You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy,
you could cook.")
But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger...and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I
get three hours sleep...and a complete
change of blood, I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending.
For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf!
This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face!
And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen."
You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar.
Here at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well...as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as
well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be
good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for
me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours
sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know
anybody named Simon!!!"), you and your friends
wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place
where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in.
I gotta be in Hell at nine."
At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding.
A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!"
One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" - and passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit t he worst part of level five - the sun. You weren't expecting that were you?
You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you
and they know. And they say,"Who's Simon?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that
sun is like God's flashlight.
We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again as long as I live!"
And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him,
"Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
to people who are out standing in their field."
Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to
pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the
underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you
have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots
one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images
called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie,
please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store,
and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the
three candidates.
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He
also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of
whiskey every evening.
Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, only drinks an occasional beer and
never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first ... no peeking, then scroll down
for the response.
-------------------------------------------------------
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
